Thursday, September 12, 2013

Sometimes it feels as if there are more stormy days then sunny ones

I can't believe how long it's been since I've posted on my blog.  If this is your first time here then sit back and hold on because this is one bumpy ride.  I do not write this blog for sympathy or to cause drama, I write it in hopes to reach even just one person that may also suffer with depression and let them know they are not alone.
It has been a year since this ugly disease entered into my life (if you are wondering what I am referring to them you will have to read older posts). A lot has changed in a year some for the better and some for the worst.  I still do not see Daric on a regular basis and it changes from one week to the next if he is talking to me or not.  I still struggle so much with the fact that another women is raising my child.  I do see a Psychiatrist and a therapist weekly.  I would love to be writing to report that I am healed and have a mended heart but that is not the case at all.  
I live my life on a day to day basis, some days I feel great, am in a good mood and love my life.  And then some days I find it hard to get out of bed in the morning.  I still do not sleep at night, most nights I cry myself to sleep.  But it is not all horrible in my life...I have a wonderful loving husband, food in my belly and a roof over my head.  I am very thankful for several things in my life.  Do I ever think my life will be back to normal..NO.  What is normal anyway?  I know I will never get the past year that I've missed of Daric's life back, my relationship with him will never be the same and the hate I have in my heart for his father may never go away.  
I know I need to face the fact that this is the way my life is going to be and get on with life but I have not reached that feeling yet.  I also know I need to learn to love myself again, which is not coming easy either.  I have felt betrayed my several people that I love in the last year and it is hard to mend a broken heart.  
In a little over a week Shannon and I will be celebrating our 2 year anniversary, which is wonderful!  He is my rock and I know if he could take away all this pain he would.  Last year we celebrated our 1 year anniversary in the Psychiatric Hospital, pretty romantic huh?  But Shannon did make the best of it and bring an Italian dinner up to me and we did get to eat together.  This year will be so much better, we have a whole day planned for our anniversary! 
So even though I know life goes on rather I want it to or not I do have hope that there will be a day where I can say "Hey look at the new me, the happy, healthy and positive me!"  But until then I will just keep going to my appointments and try to push through all the hard times and just pray everyday that it might be the day I hear from Daric.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

It's a long road

Monday evening was a real test of my faith and a real eye opener on how far I've came in my depression journey.  We got a call at about 8:30pm or so from Daric's dad telling us that Daric was taken from the school by ambulance to the hospital because he fainted.  So we rushed over to Shelbyville Hospital.  When we got there he was still very disoriented and confused but they got IV fluids in him and did blood tests and xrays and everything was fine.  During this time I was in the ER room the whole time and so was Bret's girlfriend.  Because Bret works out of state during the week and is only home on weekends.  So yes another women takes care of MY son during the week, which is a giant kick in the heart to me.  Also one of Bret's friend kept coming and going from the ER room to check on Daric but they wouldn't let Shannon back there (I did not know this at the time) that makes no sense to me, he is his step dad???  So during this time I had texted Bret and told him I wanted to bring Daric back home with me so I could take care of him but I never got an answer back.  Once the test all came back negative I stepped outside to call Bret.  I asked him if I could please take Daric home with me when he was discharged so I could take care of him.  He said "NO, he is going home with Ashley(his girlfriend)"  After arguing for awhile I went back in and kissed Daric goodbye and grabbed my things and we left.  I now know my limits and I know when I am close to a meltdown, so I left before I made a scene in front of my son.  We sat outside in my car until we seen him walk out and then we drove home.  My heart still aches from the fact that I can't even take care of my son when he is sick and I have to watch another women raise him.  I pray to God to give me the strength I need to get through these times.  I know Satan is lurking around every corner just waiting for us but it is very hard to ignore him when he is in the form of your ex-husband.  I want to have the courage someday to point at Bret and say out loud, so Satan can hear, and say YOU CAN'T STILL MY JOY, YOU CAN NO LONGER CONTROL ME!"  I will continue to pray for Bret and for this awful situation.  But I know I am probably going to have to deal with situations like this until the day Daric moves out on his own.  It is very hard some days to stay positive and not to step back into that deep depression.  I struggle everyday with these thoughts and with the hurt of not having my son with me.  Before I had no idea what to do because I felt like my only purpose in life was to be a Mom but lately I have been learning that there is more to me and my life than just being a Mom.  Even though I may be always smiling on the outside I still have a lot of sadness inside to overcome.  It was a long road to get to where I am today and I'm sure its going to be a long road to be completely recovered.

Monday, April 15, 2013

With God all things are possible

What an amazing Sunday we had!!  Shannon and I got baptized this past Sunday April 15!  It was amazing I got baptized first and Jim Plank was on my left side talking to me and Doris Schrock was the one who baptized me, it was an incredible feeling.  Shannon was next to get baptized and I got to help Jim baptize him which was such an honor!  But let me back up just a bit.  We had Daric that day so he was there to witness it along with my Mom and Step-Dad and also our very dear friends Eric and Jennifer Bertoldo!!  We felt so blessed that they came to our special day!  Baptism Sunday at The Vineyard is a huge celebration!  We just love our church family, we have made some amazing friendships there.  Oh and also I went Friday night with my Mom and Doris to see Chonda Pierce LIVE!!!  It was so AMAZING, she is my hero!  Her book got me through some of the horrible hospitals stays I had.  She is such a funny yet inspiring woman.  Oh and did I mention we got to sit up on the stage....yep that's right, almost within arms reach of her!!   So our hearts are filled with so much joy.  And our marriage is so much stronger and just keeps getting stronger the closer we get to know God.  I am so excited to see what He has in store for our future.  If I went back 7 months ago I would never have thought I would be where I am now.  Just to think that 7 months ago I thought I had nothing to live for and I tried to take my own life seems like such a blur.  I am so glad God lifted me up and I can see clearly now and I know that I have so much to live for.  Depression is a horrible disease but I feel like each day I keep my head up and pray and soon I can say goodbye to it and the medication I have to take for it.  I am just most thankful to have my son back in my life.  It's amazing how someones life can change so much in such a short amount of time.  The power of prayer is amazing and with God all things are possible!

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Move on over black cloud

It probably seems like I've been MIA for awhile! Our life has been busy busy lately!  We finally got all moved, we are still unpacking the boxes which is the worst part.  Shannon and I moved everything from our whole house just him and I on Friday and Saturday and my Mom has been helping me unpack.  Thank goodness for her because she is a BIG help when it comes to unpacking and rearranging.  We started Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University last week, so we are in week 2.  I really think we are going to like it, I'm ready to get a budget and get our money in order and get financially stable! We had a pretty bad snow this past Sunday and it got pretty bad out.  The roads were slick with ice.  We were going to my Mom's and Shannon was driving and the car in front of us stopped but it was too slick and Shannon couldn't get the car stopped fast enough and we had a little fender bender.  It didn't do anything to the other guys vehicle because the car hit his hitch, but it did damage our vehicle.  It broke the plastic or fiberglass (whatever it is) front.  We haven't got an estimate yet on how much that's gonna cost and I'm not looking forward to it at all.   I have been having a lot of headaches lately which I thought was due to my eyes so I have been seeing an eye Dr. for.  But then last week I went to the dentist for my cleaning and I told him about a tooth that was hurting me and he took xrays and I have an abscessed tooth and he referred me to the oral surgeon.  I went and seen him Tuesday and I have surgery set up for next Wednesday to have the tooth removed, the roots are up in my sinus cavity and the infections pretty bad so he believes that's why I have been having headaches. So even though I don't want to have surgery it is a relief to know what the headaches are from.  So sometimes it feels like we can't catch a break.  Its always something in this house.  Do you ever feel like a black cloud is hanging over your head?  Well I'm ready for this black cloud to move on already!

Thursday, March 14, 2013

God is So Good

The craziness has started at our house as we pack!  We found a house to rent and we are moving next weekend!  AHHHH!  It is so stressful to pack and move!  I had been dragging my feet and procrastinating, which if you knew me would know this is VERY unusual for me.  But I guess I was still having a hard time knowing we were moving away from the house we put so much work into.  A lot of blood(Shannon's), sweat and tears went into this house and its beautiful.  But then this week I decided I needed to put my big girl panties on and just get in gear so now we are working like crazy to get everything done by next weekend!  But enough of the boring stuff and on to the exciting part of this post!!  On March 7th at 10:44am I got a text from Shannon that said I'm ready to accept the Lord as my Savior.  And my response back was: What? Stop!! Don't play with me! And he responded back I'm serious I am ready.  I was so overjoyed that I cried first then I contacted Doris because that's who Shannon wanted to pray with him that Saturday morning so she set it all up.  Now let me back up just a little.  Ever since we started Alpha at the Vineyard Shannon was very uneasy with it and didn't exactly feel comfortable there but he kept going to support me because he knew I needed it and loved it!  We went to church and he still wasn't sure about it, but he went every week with me anyways.  I accepted the Lord as my Savior and as I said in the past post that all my prayers started to be answered and he still wasn't convinced.  He thought it was all coincidence or something.  Then he said one morning at church he felt a cool breeze sweep across his shoulders and then he started looking at the situation totally different.  So Saturday morning came and we gathered in the sanctuary before Holy Spirit Day.  With us was Doris and her husband Cliff and Kevin and Jamie and Shannon and I.   Doris was there for obvious reasons!!  But he wanted Jamie and her husband there because she was the first one to ever pray with him one on one, and later he realized that her prayer was answered, just not right when he expected it.  So we gathered around Shannon and he accepted the Lord as his Savior and it was AMAZING!!  Afterwards he said he felt a warm burning sensation in his legs and knees and his knees were about to buckle.  I am so very proud of him!  He took a big step and its a huge step for our relationship.  I already loved him so much I actually thought there was no way I could love him more, until that day and then my eyes opened wider and I seen him in a totally different way and my heart loved him even more.  I am excited to see what God has in store for us in the future and I am so excited to be now walking hand in hand with my Husband during that journey!  I'm excited about our growing love with God and our godly love growing with each other. God is So Good!!

Thursday, March 7, 2013


Oh where to start with this blog post!!  As I think I mentioned in an earlier post we have started a new church.  We also go to Alpha and at Alpha at the end we split up in small groups, well in the small group one night April told a bit of her story and her prayer need.  After she did I told her I really appreciated her sharing because all though her story was different than mine I felt we may have some of the same feelings.  After group she asked if we could exchange numbers and maybe get together sometime.  So we did and that next week we got together and we spent I think over 4 hours together.  We both just spilled our whole entire stories with each other.  It felt great to get it all out there.  She is an amazing woman and I was in awe at how far she had came.  Little did I know that April's words would change my life forever.  She told me about a woman she got set up with at church, Karen Goss.  So I found her on facebook and friended her.  Saturday March 2nd I sent her a message asking if I could meet with her sometime and she said sure we can get our calendars together, or Ill be at the church today.  So I hurried and got my shower and got ready and went to the church to meet her.  We went into her office and I was nervous and had no idea what to do or say.  So I asked her now what?  She said say whatever you feel or want.  So I just started spilling my story to her.  After several Kleenex's and a lot of talking came the AMAZING part.  Karen asked me if I had accepted the Lord as my savior, I said well I was baptized when I was 13, she said no have you accepted him, and I said well no.  She asked me if I wanted to right then, I said YES!   So we prayed and prayed and so Saturday March 2nd I accepted the Lord as my Savior and every since that day my life has changed forever!  I had to leave the church to meet my hubby to look at more houses to rent.  The very last one we looked at was THE ONE!  It is beautiful and we decided to rent it. Prayer #1 answered! When we got in the car after looking at the house I had a text message from Daric asking if just him and I could meet Sunday and talk!!!  We met and it was incredible, we decided to put the past behind us and start a new life together from that day on and I have had him over 2 times since then and he's going to start coming every other weekend!  Prayer #2 answered.  I think I said before that I had such a hate in my heart for Daric's dad, so I really thought the forgiveness with him would come later down the road.  Well when I took Daric home after our talk Sunday, I had to talk to his dad to see if he could come over for supper that week.  I was nervous because I wasn't sure how I would react.  He came outside and we talked about Daric and then he apologized??  So of course I apologized also.  We decided to leave the past behind us too and get along from now on, for Daric's sake especially.  I went to give him a forgiveness handshake and he grabbed and hugged me (he may have broke a few of my ribs LOL) Prayer #3 answered.  All this is with in 2 days!  Then that night I contacted my Mom and asked if we could meet and she said she was thinking the same thing. So we decided to meet Wednesday afternoon.  Then Tuesday morning we got a call that we got an offer on our house, we counter offered and she took it and we close on the house April 5th!!  Prayer #4 answered.  So Wednesday came and I met with my Mom and we talked for a long time and we also decided to leave the past behind us and move forward, and I think our relationship is going to be stronger now!  Prayer #5 answered.  If I hadn't seen all this with my own eyes I wouldn't believe it but it is all true.  God is GOOD and the power of prayer is amazing!  Ever since I gave my life to God I have had nothing but good things happen to me.  I have not felt depressed at all.  Now I know Satan is just right around that corner waiting to mess me up but Pssh Satan you ain't got nothin on me!!  Gods got my back!!  I am so very thankful that God lead April and Karen into my life. Thank you Lord and knowing your there is all I need! 

Thursday, February 28, 2013

A tongue has no bones, but it can break a heart

For as long as I can remember my Mom has always told me hate is a harsh word, and that instead to say we dislike it.  My Mom is a very smart woman.  And for any of you who have read my blog know my love for her and our relationship together.  I have never in my life actually hated someone until the past 7 months and it is the most horrible feeling to have in your heart.  Most of you already know my story and already know that the person I am talking about is my ex-husband for what he is putting me through with my son.  I don't want to hate him because he is the father of my son but right now I have such a deep hate for him in my heart right now that it is destroying other relationships for me because that hate is leaking out into my life.  I cant take the hate out on him and I know I shouldn't but I have taken it out on the ones closest to me.  I did not realize any of this at the time, I am just now realizing what I have done, after stepping back and looking back at my actions.   After my son told me he never wanted to see me again I was so mad, not at him but at his dad. I was just so mad that I first took it out on my Mom.  She was still keeping in contact with my son and seeing him on occasion and I was hurt by that, or maybe jealous, I'm not sure?  I was mad that she could see him and I couldn't.  But now I am glad he still sees her and has a relationship because at least I know that he has at least one good role model in his life right now.  I said some horrible things to my Mom, and I think I just wanted someone to hurt as bad as I did, which is awful and I accomplished that and feel horrible about it.   And at first she blamed it on the disease and then I had said so many hurtful things that she had to back away from my life, which I do not blame her at all.  Not everything I do can be blamed on the disease, I have to take responsibility for my own actions.  I feel horrible for the things I said and I have apologized but I do know that sorry doesn't take words back. "A tongue has no bones, but it can break a heart"  I have apologized and now I have to just pray everyday she will find it in her heart to accept it and I hope someday we can go back to the way we use to be.  Which I know will be hard and take time, but I burnt a BIG bridge with that one, she was my rock, she was my best friend and hero.  I'm not going to lie I am just as lost without her as I am without my son.  This hate has also affected my marriage and I will say my husband is a saint, because most men wouldn't put up with what all I have put him through.  He is an amazing, patient, caring man.  I thank God everyday for bringing him into my life.  We have started a new church together and it is helping our relationship grow and we pray for healing of our relationship and we have a long way to go but we have started the first steps.  He just deserves a metal or a pat on the back for standing by me through all this and still loving me.  So I still have not spoke to my son but I do text him everyday to tell him I love him and last night I decided to try and call him and leave a voicemail so he could hear my voice tell him I loved him.  But when I called his number It said you have been restricted by the owner to call this number.  So now I know he has not got any of my texts and that was heartbreaking but I will put my chin up and keep praying on that one too. My therapist is a very smart woman and she told me" You need your mom, You need you son, but you have your husband"  So for now I need to work on what's right in front of me and give the rest to God.  God is GREAT!   My biggest prayer is that someday very soon I can get the hate out of my heart and be able to forgive him so I can stop destroying myself and others with that hate. 

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Please strenthen me and help others to understand my illness

Someone said something the other day that made me really think.  She said sometimes I get jealous or mad because I look at the people that have it all together, because of what they wear and such.  That is so not true, Anytime we go in public I wear makeup, blingy jewelry and dress very nice but if you seen me at home I look on the verge of a homeless person.  So I guess my point is that just because someone looks like they have it all together and has no problems, that's no necessarily true.  Some people hid their problems from the world and some people don't.  I have just started to learn that Depression is not something to be ashamed of.  It is a disease that more people than you think suffer through.  I talk about mine at bible study, at my counselors and on my blog because it feels good to say it out loud and I'm hoping someone someday can say Chrissy, its going to be alright, Ive been where you are now and I am doing great now.  None of my family understands the disease or the pain I'm going through.  A lot of them say I should be over it by now but, having your child taken away by his father is awful and I am not over it yet.  Today is Valentines Day, and I have dreaded this holiday because I always got stuff for him and its always been a holiday we celebrate.  I am hoping someday I will feel a little bit better, but that moment isn't now.  I need help and I have been reaching out for it but now I realize the only one I need to reach out to is God.  He will listen and understand me more than anyone else could.  So I will just leave you with the scripture that I like.
My soul is weary with sorrow, strengthen me according to your word ~ Psalm 119:28

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

A Prayer Answered

I have been in the hospital a few more times I believe since last time I blogged.  I am still suffering very bad from depression, they keep switching my meds but I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I need to work on me more.  I need to find a way to learn to love myself, so I can love others more.  Since all of this started back in August with Daric, it has got worse.  I received several texts from him saying he is coming over to get ALL of his stuff from my house, meaning there would be nothing of his in the house anymore(this was the first heartbreaking text I got).  Next text I got was that I should win mother of the year award (NOT) and that he never ever wanted anything to do with me ever again. Then next text went something like this, I knew you weren't worth messing with Ur a jerk of a mom and I'm done and you wont go anywhere in life because all you do is think of yourself.  I have never had my own son talk to me in my life, last time I have seen him is Christmas.  These texts broke my heart and I was an absolute mess.  Now I'm not sure a 13 year old boy comes up with all these words to say by himself, but it does sound a lot like what his dad has said to me in the past.  I am sad because he feels this way and I am sad that his dad is letting him talk to people like this, especially his mother.  I hate seeing him raised to be that kind of boy and later on that kind of man.  But I realized that I have to step away from that situation for awhile, I cant make him like me and I am just destroying myself with it all.  My husband has been my biggest supporter since I got diagnosed with depression.  Lately I find myself lashing out at him and then he gets mad and we fight and say things we don't really in our hearts mean.  But it is very hard to take hurtful words back.  So I guess I have been so mad that I had no one to take that madness out on so he is who I had been picking.  I don't know if its because he loves me unconditionally and I know he will put up with me or what.  But that is not true.  And now I have really put strain on our marriage.  I have prayed all through this and things kept getting worse each day.  So then I was starting to get mad at God, because I felt he wasn't listening to my prayers.  Then I also wondered if I am praying wrong or praying for the wrong things or wrong reasons.  Shannon and I were attending church every Sunday but I was just going through the motions and wasn't feeling a thing.  So one day while I was at home alone I started crying and I prayed out loud to God and said "God I cant do this on my own anymore, I feel like I cant go on another day, so I am begging you for guidance and I am giving you all my problems and worries, I'm just giving it to you.  Please Please lead me in the right direction and help me learn to love you better and learn more from and about you"  I didn't feel anything at that time but I did feel a little relief and I was able to stop crying and go on about my day.  Then a few weeks later I got an email from a friend that I don't talk to much and she wanted to invite me to a lady's brunch on this Saturday, which of course I said yes to.  Then she invited me and Shannon to Alpha, we went last night and it was amazing.  We ate dinner, had some worship time and then a couple shared their story, which was so amazing, it really touched Shannon and my heart.  Their story was different than ours on how they got to the point where there marriage was over but we are at the point they were when they decided something has to change.  So we have decided to keep going to Alpha together, I started a woman's bible study this morning which was great!  And we are going to start going to church there.  We feel if we learn to love God then we can have a godly love for each other and maybe everything else will fall into place.  So for now we are focusing on each other and God and stepping away from all the drama and hopefully with time the other relationships can be restored.  Am I happy about stepping back and letting Daric have his way and not have me in my life NO, but all I can do is pray for him and his dad and hope for the best later on down the road.  So I guess my point is once I decided to give it all to God, I finally got a prayer answered.  Thank you God for sending Doris Schrock my way!

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Living In A Fog

Each and every day is still a struggle for me.  Yes I have some good moments but there hasn't a day gone by that I haven't had some sort of meltdown of some sort.  I read other blogs or other peoples facebook status' and I wonder how they handle everything like a job, family and life in general.  Everyone around me seems so happy, why can't I be happy, what is my problem, why can't I just snap out of this depression?  I feel bad for my husband because I have became this boring wife that cries all the time.  Some days its a struggle for me to get out of bed in the morning and get through as much as I can.  Try to put the sadness out of my life and put one foot in front of the other, why is this so hard for me?  It comes in waves sometimes I feel better, almost like myself and then other times I feel so overwhelmed with sadness and hopelessness that I feel I cant move or breathe.  Some days I hate going out and seeing happy families together because it makes me so sad that I cant have that too.  Everyday feels long and exhausting sometimes.  Some days I feel so dark and depressed I cant imagine making it through all the days ahead of me.  I feel like I have gave my son up for adoption and I am watching a family raise him from afar, I know that's not what is going on but its how I feel.  I never know whats going on with him, I try to call or text and very often do I get a response.  Everyday I just have to get up and put my fake smile on and hope I figure out what God has in store for me.  Because there has to be a reason to be put through this much pain.  I pray every night that I will wake up the next day and this will have all just been a very bad dream.  But for now I just feel as though I am living in a fog, simply going through the motions of day-to-day life as if on autopilot.

Friday, January 4, 2013

New Year trying to start over

I said I wasn't going to make any New Year's resolutions, so instead I will call them goals!  I feel like I may be getting better each day, and then something else sets me back.  I'm still not able to leave Darics door open.  He has came to visit a few times and even stayed all night one night!  But I still have an emptiness in my heart.  I realize his dad has just as much right to have him live with him as I do.  But with that being said, I wasn't ready for it to just happen out of no where so fast.  I am hoping he will visit more often.  I pray everyday that our relationship will be the same some day (it will never be the same I just want to see him more). As for my depression, its still there.  There isn't a day go by that I don't have a meltdown of crying.  I try to control it but its impossible.  I hate taking the antidepressants but I know I need them but the side effects are awful.  I have gained a little over 35 pounds in the past month and a half, which is really a struggle for me, because it makes me not want to leave the house, and pretty much I don't except for Dr appointments  I weigh more than I did when I was pregnant.  So I hate getting undressed and seeing myself in the mirror before I get into the shower.  I just don't feel like myself at all.  Also the meds have caused me to have blurred vision so I have to wear my contacts and reading glasses.  I also have noticed I am very forgetful now and I'm not sure if its from the meds or not?  I have a great support team, my family!  My husband is a saint and puts up with way more than most people would.  So am I happy?  Yes and no.  I am happy I have a loving family and husband.  I am happy I have a roof over my head and I am happy we have some food to feed ourselves.  But there are so many things Im not happy about.Our medical bills are so overwhelming since I have been in the hospital 3 times in the past few months.  So we have been trying to pay what we can on our bills, which is all we can do.  Some places have been nice about it and others haven't.  They just keep piling up but I cant not go to my appointments.  So that's a very big stresser for us right now. 
I just want to be happy so I can enjoy life again.  I'm not sure what Gods plans are for me but I pray he leads me there soon.  I feel like I have no purpose and its an awful feeling.  Most days I just feel completely overwhelmed and I want to tell myself "just get a grip" It doesn't work, its just easier said than done.  I just want my old life back, I was such an upbeat bubbly person with friends and could have fun.  But now I just feel empty, I know my family loves me and my husband is special to me, I could never put into words how much he means to me. So for now I have to learn to love myself, which seems so impossible right now. I need to stop worrying about bills, which is also impossible because they just keep coming in.  I also want to learn to just be comfortable in my own skin.  I am reading Chonda Pierce's book and she had a little saying in there that makes since I guess. "Having a depressed person in the family is like having a death in the family.  At least the dead person has the decency to not be around anymore"
~David Feherty

But on a serious note this is a scripture I love.  Pity me, O Lord for I am weak.  Heal me, for my body is sick, and I am upset and disturbed.  My mind is filled with apprehension and with gloom.  Oh, restore me soon.
~Psalm 6:2-3