Thursday, April 18, 2013

It's a long road

Monday evening was a real test of my faith and a real eye opener on how far I've came in my depression journey.  We got a call at about 8:30pm or so from Daric's dad telling us that Daric was taken from the school by ambulance to the hospital because he fainted.  So we rushed over to Shelbyville Hospital.  When we got there he was still very disoriented and confused but they got IV fluids in him and did blood tests and xrays and everything was fine.  During this time I was in the ER room the whole time and so was Bret's girlfriend.  Because Bret works out of state during the week and is only home on weekends.  So yes another women takes care of MY son during the week, which is a giant kick in the heart to me.  Also one of Bret's friend kept coming and going from the ER room to check on Daric but they wouldn't let Shannon back there (I did not know this at the time) that makes no sense to me, he is his step dad???  So during this time I had texted Bret and told him I wanted to bring Daric back home with me so I could take care of him but I never got an answer back.  Once the test all came back negative I stepped outside to call Bret.  I asked him if I could please take Daric home with me when he was discharged so I could take care of him.  He said "NO, he is going home with Ashley(his girlfriend)"  After arguing for awhile I went back in and kissed Daric goodbye and grabbed my things and we left.  I now know my limits and I know when I am close to a meltdown, so I left before I made a scene in front of my son.  We sat outside in my car until we seen him walk out and then we drove home.  My heart still aches from the fact that I can't even take care of my son when he is sick and I have to watch another women raise him.  I pray to God to give me the strength I need to get through these times.  I know Satan is lurking around every corner just waiting for us but it is very hard to ignore him when he is in the form of your ex-husband.  I want to have the courage someday to point at Bret and say out loud, so Satan can hear, and say YOU CAN'T STILL MY JOY, YOU CAN NO LONGER CONTROL ME!"  I will continue to pray for Bret and for this awful situation.  But I know I am probably going to have to deal with situations like this until the day Daric moves out on his own.  It is very hard some days to stay positive and not to step back into that deep depression.  I struggle everyday with these thoughts and with the hurt of not having my son with me.  Before I had no idea what to do because I felt like my only purpose in life was to be a Mom but lately I have been learning that there is more to me and my life than just being a Mom.  Even though I may be always smiling on the outside I still have a lot of sadness inside to overcome.  It was a long road to get to where I am today and I'm sure its going to be a long road to be completely recovered.

Monday, April 15, 2013

With God all things are possible

What an amazing Sunday we had!!  Shannon and I got baptized this past Sunday April 15!  It was amazing I got baptized first and Jim Plank was on my left side talking to me and Doris Schrock was the one who baptized me, it was an incredible feeling.  Shannon was next to get baptized and I got to help Jim baptize him which was such an honor!  But let me back up just a bit.  We had Daric that day so he was there to witness it along with my Mom and Step-Dad and also our very dear friends Eric and Jennifer Bertoldo!!  We felt so blessed that they came to our special day!  Baptism Sunday at The Vineyard is a huge celebration!  We just love our church family, we have made some amazing friendships there.  Oh and also I went Friday night with my Mom and Doris to see Chonda Pierce LIVE!!!  It was so AMAZING, she is my hero!  Her book got me through some of the horrible hospitals stays I had.  She is such a funny yet inspiring woman.  Oh and did I mention we got to sit up on the stage....yep that's right, almost within arms reach of her!!   So our hearts are filled with so much joy.  And our marriage is so much stronger and just keeps getting stronger the closer we get to know God.  I am so excited to see what He has in store for our future.  If I went back 7 months ago I would never have thought I would be where I am now.  Just to think that 7 months ago I thought I had nothing to live for and I tried to take my own life seems like such a blur.  I am so glad God lifted me up and I can see clearly now and I know that I have so much to live for.  Depression is a horrible disease but I feel like each day I keep my head up and pray and soon I can say goodbye to it and the medication I have to take for it.  I am just most thankful to have my son back in my life.  It's amazing how someones life can change so much in such a short amount of time.  The power of prayer is amazing and with God all things are possible!