Thursday, February 28, 2013
For as long as I can remember my Mom has always told me hate is a harsh word, and that instead to say we dislike it. My Mom is a very smart woman. And for any of you who have read my blog know my love for her and our relationship together. I have never in my life actually hated someone until the past 7 months and it is the most horrible feeling to have in your heart. Most of you already know my story and already know that the person I am talking about is my ex-husband for what he is putting me through with my son. I don't want to hate him because he is the father of my son but right now I have such a deep hate for him in my heart right now that it is destroying other relationships for me because that hate is leaking out into my life. I cant take the hate out on him and I know I shouldn't but I have taken it out on the ones closest to me. I did not realize any of this at the time, I am just now realizing what I have done, after stepping back and looking back at my actions. After my son told me he never wanted to see me again I was so mad, not at him but at his dad. I was just so mad that I first took it out on my Mom. She was still keeping in contact with my son and seeing him on occasion and I was hurt by that, or maybe jealous, I'm not sure? I was mad that she could see him and I couldn't. But now I am glad he still sees her and has a relationship because at least I know that he has at least one good role model in his life right now. I said some horrible things to my Mom, and I think I just wanted someone to hurt as bad as I did, which is awful and I accomplished that and feel horrible about it. And at first she blamed it on the disease and then I had said so many hurtful things that she had to back away from my life, which I do not blame her at all. Not everything I do can be blamed on the disease, I have to take responsibility for my own actions. I feel horrible for the things I said and I have apologized but I do know that sorry doesn't take words back. "A tongue has no bones, but it can break a heart" I have apologized and now I have to just pray everyday she will find it in her heart to accept it and I hope someday we can go back to the way we use to be. Which I know will be hard and take time, but I burnt a BIG bridge with that one, she was my rock, she was my best friend and hero. I'm not going to lie I am just as lost without her as I am without my son. This hate has also affected my marriage and I will say my husband is a saint, because most men wouldn't put up with what all I have put him through. He is an amazing, patient, caring man. I thank God everyday for bringing him into my life. We have started a new church together and it is helping our relationship grow and we pray for healing of our relationship and we have a long way to go but we have started the first steps. He just deserves a metal or a pat on the back for standing by me through all this and still loving me. So I still have not spoke to my son but I do text him everyday to tell him I love him and last night I decided to try and call him and leave a voicemail so he could hear my voice tell him I loved him. But when I called his number It said you have been restricted by the owner to call this number. So now I know he has not got any of my texts and that was heartbreaking but I will put my chin up and keep praying on that one too. My therapist is a very smart woman and she told me" You need your mom, You need you son, but you have your husband" So for now I need to work on what's right in front of me and give the rest to God. God is GREAT! My biggest prayer is that someday very soon I can get the hate out of my heart and be able to forgive him so I can stop destroying myself and others with that hate.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Someone said something the other day that made me really think. She said sometimes I get jealous or mad because I look at the people that have it all together, because of what they wear and such. That is so not true, Anytime we go in public I wear makeup, blingy jewelry and dress very nice but if you seen me at home I look on the verge of a homeless person. So I guess my point is that just because someone looks like they have it all together and has no problems, that's no necessarily true. Some people hid their problems from the world and some people don't. I have just started to learn that Depression is not something to be ashamed of. It is a disease that more people than you think suffer through. I talk about mine at bible study, at my counselors and on my blog because it feels good to say it out loud and I'm hoping someone someday can say Chrissy, its going to be alright, Ive been where you are now and I am doing great now. None of my family understands the disease or the pain I'm going through. A lot of them say I should be over it by now but, having your child taken away by his father is awful and I am not over it yet. Today is Valentines Day, and I have dreaded this holiday because I always got stuff for him and its always been a holiday we celebrate. I am hoping someday I will feel a little bit better, but that moment isn't now. I need help and I have been reaching out for it but now I realize the only one I need to reach out to is God. He will listen and understand me more than anyone else could. So I will just leave you with the scripture that I like.
My soul is weary with sorrow, strengthen me according to your word ~ Psalm 119:28
My soul is weary with sorrow, strengthen me according to your word ~ Psalm 119:28
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
I have been in the hospital a few more times I believe since last time I blogged. I am still suffering very bad from depression, they keep switching my meds but I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I need to work on me more. I need to find a way to learn to love myself, so I can love others more. Since all of this started back in August with Daric, it has got worse. I received several texts from him saying he is coming over to get ALL of his stuff from my house, meaning there would be nothing of his in the house anymore(this was the first heartbreaking text I got). Next text I got was that I should win mother of the year award (NOT) and that he never ever wanted anything to do with me ever again. Then next text went something like this, I knew you weren't worth messing with Ur a jerk of a mom and I'm done and you wont go anywhere in life because all you do is think of yourself. I have never had my own son talk to me in my life, last time I have seen him is Christmas. These texts broke my heart and I was an absolute mess. Now I'm not sure a 13 year old boy comes up with all these words to say by himself, but it does sound a lot like what his dad has said to me in the past. I am sad because he feels this way and I am sad that his dad is letting him talk to people like this, especially his mother. I hate seeing him raised to be that kind of boy and later on that kind of man. But I realized that I have to step away from that situation for awhile, I cant make him like me and I am just destroying myself with it all. My husband has been my biggest supporter since I got diagnosed with depression. Lately I find myself lashing out at him and then he gets mad and we fight and say things we don't really in our hearts mean. But it is very hard to take hurtful words back. So I guess I have been so mad that I had no one to take that madness out on so he is who I had been picking. I don't know if its because he loves me unconditionally and I know he will put up with me or what. But that is not true. And now I have really put strain on our marriage. I have prayed all through this and things kept getting worse each day. So then I was starting to get mad at God, because I felt he wasn't listening to my prayers. Then I also wondered if I am praying wrong or praying for the wrong things or wrong reasons. Shannon and I were attending church every Sunday but I was just going through the motions and wasn't feeling a thing. So one day while I was at home alone I started crying and I prayed out loud to God and said "God I cant do this on my own anymore, I feel like I cant go on another day, so I am begging you for guidance and I am giving you all my problems and worries, I'm just giving it to you. Please Please lead me in the right direction and help me learn to love you better and learn more from and about you" I didn't feel anything at that time but I did feel a little relief and I was able to stop crying and go on about my day. Then a few weeks later I got an email from a friend that I don't talk to much and she wanted to invite me to a lady's brunch on this Saturday, which of course I said yes to. Then she invited me and Shannon to Alpha, we went last night and it was amazing. We ate dinner, had some worship time and then a couple shared their story, which was so amazing, it really touched Shannon and my heart. Their story was different than ours on how they got to the point where there marriage was over but we are at the point they were when they decided something has to change. So we have decided to keep going to Alpha together, I started a woman's bible study this morning which was great! And we are going to start going to church there. We feel if we learn to love God then we can have a godly love for each other and maybe everything else will fall into place. So for now we are focusing on each other and God and stepping away from all the drama and hopefully with time the other relationships can be restored. Am I happy about stepping back and letting Daric have his way and not have me in my life NO, but all I can do is pray for him and his dad and hope for the best later on down the road. So I guess my point is once I decided to give it all to God, I finally got a prayer answered. Thank you God for sending Doris Schrock my way!