A Prayer Answered

I have been in the hospital a few more times I believe since last time I blogged.  I am still suffering very bad from depression, they keep switching my meds but I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I need to work on me more.  I need to find a way to learn to love myself, so I can love others more.  Since all of this started back in August with Daric, it has got worse.  I received several texts from him saying he is coming over to get ALL of his stuff from my house, meaning there would be nothing of his in the house anymore(this was the first heartbreaking text I got).  Next text I got was that I should win mother of the year award (NOT) and that he never ever wanted anything to do with me ever again. Then next text went something like this, I knew you weren't worth messing with Ur a jerk of a mom and I'm done and you wont go anywhere in life because all you do is think of yourself.  I have never had my own son talk to me in my life, last time I have seen him is Christmas.  These texts broke my heart and I was an absolute mess.  Now I'm not sure a 13 year old boy comes up with all these words to say by himself, but it does sound a lot like what his dad has said to me in the past.  I am sad because he feels this way and I am sad that his dad is letting him talk to people like this, especially his mother.  I hate seeing him raised to be that kind of boy and later on that kind of man.  But I realized that I have to step away from that situation for awhile, I cant make him like me and I am just destroying myself with it all.  My husband has been my biggest supporter since I got diagnosed with depression.  Lately I find myself lashing out at him and then he gets mad and we fight and say things we don't really in our hearts mean.  But it is very hard to take hurtful words back.  So I guess I have been so mad that I had no one to take that madness out on so he is who I had been picking.  I don't know if its because he loves me unconditionally and I know he will put up with me or what.  But that is not true.  And now I have really put strain on our marriage.  I have prayed all through this and things kept getting worse each day.  So then I was starting to get mad at God, because I felt he wasn't listening to my prayers.  Then I also wondered if I am praying wrong or praying for the wrong things or wrong reasons.  Shannon and I were attending church every Sunday but I was just going through the motions and wasn't feeling a thing.  So one day while I was at home alone I started crying and I prayed out loud to God and said "God I cant do this on my own anymore, I feel like I cant go on another day, so I am begging you for guidance and I am giving you all my problems and worries, I'm just giving it to you.  Please Please lead me in the right direction and help me learn to love you better and learn more from and about you"  I didn't feel anything at that time but I did feel a little relief and I was able to stop crying and go on about my day.  Then a few weeks later I got an email from a friend that I don't talk to much and she wanted to invite me to a lady's brunch on this Saturday, which of course I said yes to.  Then she invited me and Shannon to Alpha, we went last night and it was amazing.  We ate dinner, had some worship time and then a couple shared their story, which was so amazing, it really touched Shannon and my heart.  Their story was different than ours on how they got to the point where there marriage was over but we are at the point they were when they decided something has to change.  So we have decided to keep going to Alpha together, I started a woman's bible study this morning which was great!  And we are going to start going to church there.  We feel if we learn to love God then we can have a godly love for each other and maybe everything else will fall into place.  So for now we are focusing on each other and God and stepping away from all the drama and hopefully with time the other relationships can be restored.  Am I happy about stepping back and letting Daric have his way and not have me in my life NO, but all I can do is pray for him and his dad and hope for the best later on down the road.  So I guess my point is once I decided to give it all to God, I finally got a prayer answered.  Thank you God for sending Doris Schrock my way!