Sunday, January 13, 2013

Living In A Fog

Each and every day is still a struggle for me.  Yes I have some good moments but there hasn't a day gone by that I haven't had some sort of meltdown of some sort.  I read other blogs or other peoples facebook status' and I wonder how they handle everything like a job, family and life in general.  Everyone around me seems so happy, why can't I be happy, what is my problem, why can't I just snap out of this depression?  I feel bad for my husband because I have became this boring wife that cries all the time.  Some days its a struggle for me to get out of bed in the morning and get through as much as I can.  Try to put the sadness out of my life and put one foot in front of the other, why is this so hard for me?  It comes in waves sometimes I feel better, almost like myself and then other times I feel so overwhelmed with sadness and hopelessness that I feel I cant move or breathe.  Some days I hate going out and seeing happy families together because it makes me so sad that I cant have that too.  Everyday feels long and exhausting sometimes.  Some days I feel so dark and depressed I cant imagine making it through all the days ahead of me.  I feel like I have gave my son up for adoption and I am watching a family raise him from afar, I know that's not what is going on but its how I feel.  I never know whats going on with him, I try to call or text and very often do I get a response.  Everyday I just have to get up and put my fake smile on and hope I figure out what God has in store for me.  Because there has to be a reason to be put through this much pain.  I pray every night that I will wake up the next day and this will have all just been a very bad dream.  But for now I just feel as though I am living in a fog, simply going through the motions of day-to-day life as if on autopilot.

Friday, January 4, 2013

New Year trying to start over

I said I wasn't going to make any New Year's resolutions, so instead I will call them goals!  I feel like I may be getting better each day, and then something else sets me back.  I'm still not able to leave Darics door open.  He has came to visit a few times and even stayed all night one night!  But I still have an emptiness in my heart.  I realize his dad has just as much right to have him live with him as I do.  But with that being said, I wasn't ready for it to just happen out of no where so fast.  I am hoping he will visit more often.  I pray everyday that our relationship will be the same some day (it will never be the same I just want to see him more). As for my depression, its still there.  There isn't a day go by that I don't have a meltdown of crying.  I try to control it but its impossible.  I hate taking the antidepressants but I know I need them but the side effects are awful.  I have gained a little over 35 pounds in the past month and a half, which is really a struggle for me, because it makes me not want to leave the house, and pretty much I don't except for Dr appointments  I weigh more than I did when I was pregnant.  So I hate getting undressed and seeing myself in the mirror before I get into the shower.  I just don't feel like myself at all.  Also the meds have caused me to have blurred vision so I have to wear my contacts and reading glasses.  I also have noticed I am very forgetful now and I'm not sure if its from the meds or not?  I have a great support team, my family!  My husband is a saint and puts up with way more than most people would.  So am I happy?  Yes and no.  I am happy I have a loving family and husband.  I am happy I have a roof over my head and I am happy we have some food to feed ourselves.  But there are so many things Im not happy about.Our medical bills are so overwhelming since I have been in the hospital 3 times in the past few months.  So we have been trying to pay what we can on our bills, which is all we can do.  Some places have been nice about it and others haven't.  They just keep piling up but I cant not go to my appointments.  So that's a very big stresser for us right now. 
I just want to be happy so I can enjoy life again.  I'm not sure what Gods plans are for me but I pray he leads me there soon.  I feel like I have no purpose and its an awful feeling.  Most days I just feel completely overwhelmed and I want to tell myself "just get a grip" It doesn't work, its just easier said than done.  I just want my old life back, I was such an upbeat bubbly person with friends and could have fun.  But now I just feel empty, I know my family loves me and my husband is special to me, I could never put into words how much he means to me. So for now I have to learn to love myself, which seems so impossible right now. I need to stop worrying about bills, which is also impossible because they just keep coming in.  I also want to learn to just be comfortable in my own skin.  I am reading Chonda Pierce's book and she had a little saying in there that makes since I guess. "Having a depressed person in the family is like having a death in the family.  At least the dead person has the decency to not be around anymore"
~David Feherty

But on a serious note this is a scripture I love.  Pity me, O Lord for I am weak.  Heal me, for my body is sick, and I am upset and disturbed.  My mind is filled with apprehension and with gloom.  Oh, restore me soon.
~Psalm 6:2-3