Friday, January 4, 2013

New Year trying to start over

I said I wasn't going to make any New Year's resolutions, so instead I will call them goals!  I feel like I may be getting better each day, and then something else sets me back.  I'm still not able to leave Darics door open.  He has came to visit a few times and even stayed all night one night!  But I still have an emptiness in my heart.  I realize his dad has just as much right to have him live with him as I do.  But with that being said, I wasn't ready for it to just happen out of no where so fast.  I am hoping he will visit more often.  I pray everyday that our relationship will be the same some day (it will never be the same I just want to see him more). As for my depression, its still there.  There isn't a day go by that I don't have a meltdown of crying.  I try to control it but its impossible.  I hate taking the antidepressants but I know I need them but the side effects are awful.  I have gained a little over 35 pounds in the past month and a half, which is really a struggle for me, because it makes me not want to leave the house, and pretty much I don't except for Dr appointments  I weigh more than I did when I was pregnant.  So I hate getting undressed and seeing myself in the mirror before I get into the shower.  I just don't feel like myself at all.  Also the meds have caused me to have blurred vision so I have to wear my contacts and reading glasses.  I also have noticed I am very forgetful now and I'm not sure if its from the meds or not?  I have a great support team, my family!  My husband is a saint and puts up with way more than most people would.  So am I happy?  Yes and no.  I am happy I have a loving family and husband.  I am happy I have a roof over my head and I am happy we have some food to feed ourselves.  But there are so many things Im not happy about.Our medical bills are so overwhelming since I have been in the hospital 3 times in the past few months.  So we have been trying to pay what we can on our bills, which is all we can do.  Some places have been nice about it and others haven't.  They just keep piling up but I cant not go to my appointments.  So that's a very big stresser for us right now. 
I just want to be happy so I can enjoy life again.  I'm not sure what Gods plans are for me but I pray he leads me there soon.  I feel like I have no purpose and its an awful feeling.  Most days I just feel completely overwhelmed and I want to tell myself "just get a grip" It doesn't work, its just easier said than done.  I just want my old life back, I was such an upbeat bubbly person with friends and could have fun.  But now I just feel empty, I know my family loves me and my husband is special to me, I could never put into words how much he means to me. So for now I have to learn to love myself, which seems so impossible right now. I need to stop worrying about bills, which is also impossible because they just keep coming in.  I also want to learn to just be comfortable in my own skin.  I am reading Chonda Pierce's book and she had a little saying in there that makes since I guess. "Having a depressed person in the family is like having a death in the family.  At least the dead person has the decency to not be around anymore"
~David Feherty

But on a serious note this is a scripture I love.  Pity me, O Lord for I am weak.  Heal me, for my body is sick, and I am upset and disturbed.  My mind is filled with apprehension and with gloom.  Oh, restore me soon.
~Psalm 6:2-3

1 comment:

  1. Chrissy, your blog is so powerful because it is so "real". You put yourself out there, your emotions, your fears, your worries..but along with that you share your hopes and your goals for the new year. I see so much good happening in your life. You recognize that there is opportunity for God to use you, even though you do not yet clearly see your purpose. Notice I said "yet"....He is speaking to you though, I know it!

    Just focus on one day at a time, or life can seem overwhelming. Lean on those who love you, and surround yourself with people who love the Lord.

    You are a beautiful woman, and I am happy to call you my friend!!

    I love the scripture you shared. And here is another one.

    Isaiah 41:10
    10 Fear not, for I am with you;
    Be not dismayed, for I am your God.
    I will strengthen you,
    Yes, I will help you,
    I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’

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