Friday, October 5, 2012

Secret No More...

After several years of struggling with depression I'm tired of holding it in like some sort of rare contagious disease, so I'm breaking the silence.  It's not an easy thing to share.  But the tme for fear and shame is over. 
 I became an actress the day I first developed depression. I spent my days acting as though everything was okay---as though I wasn't shrivelling up and dying inside from despair and darkness.  I became so good at acting that noone noticed the depression slowly consuming my life.  In fact, no one knew anything was wrong until a few weeks ago when I desperately tried to escape the darkness with the only option I felt I had left, suicide.  Thank goodness to my botched attempt, my true self was briefy revealed but only to my family. 
I was hurting so bad inside but was too ashamed to ask for help.  I had pushed family and friends away because of fear of them finding out how awful I was feeling.  After the suicide attempt I finally came clean with my husband and my Mom and I was admitted to a mental floor at the hospital.  This was by far the scariest day of my life.  It was scary to admit I had problem and the hospital was VERY scary.  I didnt want to stay at the hospital and I was mad for having to stay.  But then when I settled down and participated in the groups I realized this was the best place for me at that time.  I was in the hospital for 8 days and I learned so much about myself.  I attended groups on depression and learned theres nothing to be ashamed of .  I also learned ways to cope with the depression.  I also started on some medications while I was in the hospital.  When I got released I felt so much better and the hospital staff also educated my hubby about depression, because he had no idea what it really was at all.  I realize that my life is worth living and of course I am not cured but I am a work in progress!  I am writing this in hopes that it will help someone else that is struggling with depression.  If you are, go talk to someone, your not alone in this struggle.  During all of this chaos I became closer to my Mom and my hubby and I also met my best friend!  For once in my life I feel very happy and I know Im loved!