After several years of struggling with depression I'm tired of holding it in like some sort of rare contagious disease, so I'm breaking the silence. It's not an easy thing to share. But the tme for fear and shame is over.
I became an actress the day I first developed depression. I spent my days acting as though everything was okay---as though I wasn't shrivelling up and dying inside from despair and darkness. I became so good at acting that noone noticed the depression slowly consuming my life. In fact, no one knew anything was wrong until a few weeks ago when I desperately tried to escape the darkness with the only option I felt I had left, suicide. Thank goodness to my botched attempt, my true self was briefy revealed but only to my family.
I was hurting so bad inside but was too ashamed to ask for help. I had pushed family and friends away because of fear of them finding out how awful I was feeling. After the suicide attempt I finally came clean with my husband and my Mom and I was admitted to a mental floor at the hospital. This was by far the scariest day of my life. It was scary to admit I had problem and the hospital was VERY scary. I didnt want to stay at the hospital and I was mad for having to stay. But then when I settled down and participated in the groups I realized this was the best place for me at that time. I was in the hospital for 8 days and I learned so much about myself. I attended groups on depression and learned theres nothing to be ashamed of . I also learned ways to cope with the depression. I also started on some medications while I was in the hospital. When I got released I felt so much better and the hospital staff also educated my hubby about depression, because he had no idea what it really was at all. I realize that my life is worth living and of course I am not cured but I am a work in progress! I am writing this in hopes that it will help someone else that is struggling with depression. If you are, go talk to someone, your not alone in this struggle. During all of this chaos I became closer to my Mom and my hubby and I also met my best friend! For once in my life I feel very happy and I know Im loved!
Wow Chrissy ! That IS scary. I will be praying for you for sure. I want you to know, and I understand we dont know each other that well, but if you ever get to that point, please reach out to someone, even Jen or I. We'd hate to see anything happen to you, or your family. You have such a loving husband and child. It's easy for us on the outside to say things to you we dont understand. But, I believe if you reach out, God will give a listening believer the words to say to you. : ) Thanks for sharing this, I know it was hard for you....and Im sure it WILL touch someone who needs to hear it. God Bless ya !!!!! : )
ReplyDeleteChrissy, I cannot imagine what you have been going through. Your strength in getting the help you need, and sharing your stuggles with all of us is something I deeply respect. I hope through this experience you see that you are not alone, and there are so many who are facing these same challenges. Keep leaning on the Lord, as He will guide you through this. We'll be praying for you!!
ReplyDeleteChrissy,
ReplyDeleteI am so very glad you got the help you needed, and I pray that someone who is living with depression and feels like you did reads this blog and it helps them. I have learned so much in the last few weeks that I did not know. That it is easy to miss small signs that something is terribly wrong with someone very close to you, and that sometimes all we need to do it listen really close. I have slowed down and started listening better to people and looking around. Sometimes just a kind word to someone is all they need or maybe even a smile.
You are a wonderful person and good mother. I can see in your eyes and hear it in your voice that you are doing better now. As you said it is going to be a long road but you are on the right path. You always have the ones who love you to lean on and most of all you have a God who loves you and is there for you too. Sometimes keeping secrets bogs people down so maybe by sharing this with others has lightened your load and made your path not so long. Love you very much ~MOM~