When life gets to hard to stand kneel

A lot has happened since I last wrote, I have been hospitilized two more times for depression.  Im on all new meds and I hope these help.  Im not sure I explained what pushed me over the edge. My 12 year old son decided he wanted to live with his dad, which he is now.  The agreement was that he stay at my house one week and his dads the next and every other weekend the same. But I have yet to see him but a few times maybe an hour or so.  My heart feels like it has a huge hole in it.  I have raised him for 12 years and now I dont even know anything about him anymore.  I try calling but usually theres no answer so i text but I dont get very much out of him (because 12 yr olds are not the easiest to talk to)  I cant stand the feeling of some other woman raising my child.  He had been my purpose in life since the day he was born.  And now I have no idea what to do with myself.  Ive always been a Mom, and yes I know im still his mom but only from a distance.  I am more depressed now than I have ever been.  I cry every day and every nite because I miss him so bad.  I would do anything to get to tuck him in at night and kiss him and say i love him.  I have no friends to do things with, but thank goodness for my Mom, she has been a saint through all of this and so has my hubby.  I feel like I need to find out who I am besides being a mom, but it is so hard.  It feels like I'm grieving a lost child and even though my child is still alive I am still grieving the loss of him in my house.  I am hoping the new meds and the counseling will help.  I just want to be the way I use to be. Also since my last hospitalization I had to quit my job because the Dr will not release me til after January 6th.  But my boss has been so understanding.  We are in a real bind because not only did we lose my income but we also lost child support and those two put together is a big chunk out of our budget. We are doing what we can to get by.  I pray to God everyday that he will lead us in the direction were suppose to go.  They say he never puts more on your plate than you can handle but I'm thinking my plate is running over.