Monday, December 17, 2012

God, who holds time and chance in His hands, is the only one who can put you at the right place at the right time.

A year ago on July 10th (which is my birthday)  Shannon and I went to Willow Ridge Winery and then we were going to supper for my birthday.  While we were at the Winery,  Shannon got up and got on one knee and proposed to me!  It was one of the most special days of my life.  Now notice I say one, and the reason for that is because a couple sitting near us saw it all happen and they just happened to be celebrating their anniversary.  They introduced themselves to us and we have kept in touch on Facebook ever since that day.  They have touched our hearts in so many ways that I cant even explain it in words.  We have only seen them in person once(well I seen them another time when they came by to get a patio table)  But they are a couple that Shannon and I look up to, we hope our love can be as strong as theirs is for each other for the rest of our lives.  I have been through alot of hard times and Jennifer has help lift me up with her wonderful personality and her great love for God.  She is going through some rough times of her own right at the moment yet she is still so strong and is still helping others.  She is truly my hero.  I don't think it was a coincidence that we were at the same place at the same time.  I think it was Gods work.  And for that I am forever grateful.  And even though we only speak through facebook,  Jennifer and Eric Bertoldo you hold a special place in our hearts and we are so very grateful to be able to call you our friends.   So I will end this post with something I think is fitting for the subject.    God who holds time and chance in his hands,is the only one who can put you in the right place at the right time.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

When life gets to hard to stand kneel

A lot has happened since I last wrote, I have been hospitilized two more times for depression.  Im on all new meds and I hope these help.  Im not sure I explained what pushed me over the edge. My 12 year old son decided he wanted to live with his dad, which he is now.  The agreement was that he stay at my house one week and his dads the next and every other weekend the same. But I have yet to see him but a few times maybe an hour or so.  My heart feels like it has a huge hole in it.  I have raised him for 12 years and now I dont even know anything about him anymore.  I try calling but usually theres no answer so i text but I dont get very much out of him (because 12 yr olds are not the easiest to talk to)  I cant stand the feeling of some other woman raising my child.  He had been my purpose in life since the day he was born.  And now I have no idea what to do with myself.  Ive always been a Mom, and yes I know im still his mom but only from a distance.  I am more depressed now than I have ever been.  I cry every day and every nite because I miss him so bad.  I would do anything to get to tuck him in at night and kiss him and say i love him.  I have no friends to do things with, but thank goodness for my Mom, she has been a saint through all of this and so has my hubby.  I feel like I need to find out who I am besides being a mom, but it is so hard.  It feels like I'm grieving a lost child and even though my child is still alive I am still grieving the loss of him in my house.  I am hoping the new meds and the counseling will help.  I just want to be the way I use to be. Also since my last hospitalization I had to quit my job because the Dr will not release me til after January 6th.  But my boss has been so understanding.  We are in a real bind because not only did we lose my income but we also lost child support and those two put together is a big chunk out of our budget. We are doing what we can to get by.  I pray to God everyday that he will lead us in the direction were suppose to go.  They say he never puts more on your plate than you can handle but I'm thinking my plate is running over.

Friday, October 5, 2012

Secret No More...

After several years of struggling with depression I'm tired of holding it in like some sort of rare contagious disease, so I'm breaking the silence.  It's not an easy thing to share.  But the tme for fear and shame is over. 
 I became an actress the day I first developed depression. I spent my days acting as though everything was okay---as though I wasn't shrivelling up and dying inside from despair and darkness.  I became so good at acting that noone noticed the depression slowly consuming my life.  In fact, no one knew anything was wrong until a few weeks ago when I desperately tried to escape the darkness with the only option I felt I had left, suicide.  Thank goodness to my botched attempt, my true self was briefy revealed but only to my family. 
I was hurting so bad inside but was too ashamed to ask for help.  I had pushed family and friends away because of fear of them finding out how awful I was feeling.  After the suicide attempt I finally came clean with my husband and my Mom and I was admitted to a mental floor at the hospital.  This was by far the scariest day of my life.  It was scary to admit I had problem and the hospital was VERY scary.  I didnt want to stay at the hospital and I was mad for having to stay.  But then when I settled down and participated in the groups I realized this was the best place for me at that time.  I was in the hospital for 8 days and I learned so much about myself.  I attended groups on depression and learned theres nothing to be ashamed of .  I also learned ways to cope with the depression.  I also started on some medications while I was in the hospital.  When I got released I felt so much better and the hospital staff also educated my hubby about depression, because he had no idea what it really was at all.  I realize that my life is worth living and of course I am not cured but I am a work in progress!  I am writing this in hopes that it will help someone else that is struggling with depression.  If you are, go talk to someone, your not alone in this struggle.  During all of this chaos I became closer to my Mom and my hubby and I also met my best friend!  For once in my life I feel very happy and I know Im loved! 


Friday, July 13, 2012

Friday Confessional

Happy Friday!

I confess...

I am still totally crushing over my husband, he still gives me butterflies in my tummy!

I am addicted to sweet tea and I may need an intervention

I have a very close relationship and connection with my pugs, and im pretty sure my hubs thinks its unhealthy

I still sneak in my 12 year olds room at night to check on him and make sure hes still breathing ( I did this like crazy when he was a baby)

I am totally in love with our new house

I secretly love Justin Biebers music...oops guess its no secret now

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

A Letter To Me...

Well today I turned 33 and I can't help but think back on life and how I wish I knew then what I know now!  It makes me think of a Brad Paisley song "A Letter To Me".  So I got to thinking what I would write in a letter if I could send it back in time to when I was 14 or 15.

Here's what I would say:
 Chrissy you may think that you can't wait til your old enough to move out on your own but don't rush it!  You will miss your parents and you really have no idea how good you have it right now.  Stop being so hard on your stepdad, he is an amazing man and someday soon you will realize this and wish you would've been nicer.  He isn't out to get you, he loves you like your his own and he would do anything in the world for you.  Stop obsessing over your looks, your clothes and your popularity!  Yes you are popular right now but none of that matters at all as an adult, so just stop it!!  Cherish your friends and always always remember that no boy is ever more important than your friends!  Your little sister is not a little monster so stop complaining!  The crying and her annoyingness will wear off I promise!  She will grow up to be a beautiful, loving, extremely intellegent woman and you will wish you hadn't prayed for her to go back where she came from :)  Spend as much quality time as you can with your Mom, shes just absolutely amazing and someday you wont think shes embarrassing and stupid.  Someday you will realize and appreciate how strict she was on you and why she didnt let you run a muck!  Give Shadow twice the hugs & kisses you already do because when she goes to heaven your heart will break like it never has before. Spend even more time with your grandpa because when hes gone you will feel lost and so will your family because he is everyones rock, learn as much as you can about him now.  

 Clean your room, you are a slob and should be ashamed of yourself, plus it will save several fights with Mom!   Its ok to be single, you will discover you better than you ever thought you could, a man doesnt define you and you dont need one to make you happy.  No matter how sad you may feel or how many times your heart gets broken you will always make it through it and you have your Mom to thank for that, so go hug her right now!  Talk to her when your feeling down, she will understand, shes pretty smart ya know!  Your Mom will always be your best friend so dont you forget that!  Don't wish time away because one day you will wake up and be 33 and wonder where it all went!

P.S. You will meet an obnoxious fellow in a few years, have fun while it lasts and treat him right because he will give you one of the greatest gifts in your life!  Now go out and enjoy your youth!!

Monday, July 9, 2012

It's been a wild ride!

For those of you that don't know me, buckle up and enjoy the bumpy ride I call my life!  I am the mom to an accident prone, athletic, goofy, always on the go 12 year old boy.  I also am Mom to two plump and spoiled pugs.  I am the wife of a very caring hubby.  I have created this blog as a way to express my feelings and to post recipes I make for my family.  I am also on a mission to find God again and become a better Christian.  I have made some terrible decisions in my past and I feel that if I can learn to love myself and love God my relationship with my husband and son will benefit and become stronger.  My husband and I have been married for a year this September. I have been through three failed marriages and feel as though I have now found a great man who will treat me right!  I am a head cook of a school in my community but I don't feel that this is where Im suppose to be, and I am hoping through connecting with God I will soon be on the track to the career I am meant for.  We recently moved to a new town and I hardly know anyone which is very hard.  I do not have close friends that I hang out with or even speak with on a daily basis.  It seems so much harder to make friends as an adult and I have no idea where to start.  I  need a good circle of friends I can talk with and have adult conversation with but I haven't had any luck so far.  Don't get me wrong I have a couple friends I talk to every once in awhile but no one I see regularly and I feel a little lost and empty.  My biggest hero is my mother, she is an amazing loving strong woman who raised me as a single mother for almost 11 years.  I look up to my mom and just think she's the bees knees!!!   Sorry for the rambling but I had no idea where to start!!!