Thursday, September 12, 2013

Sometimes it feels as if there are more stormy days then sunny ones

I can't believe how long it's been since I've posted on my blog.  If this is your first time here then sit back and hold on because this is one bumpy ride.  I do not write this blog for sympathy or to cause drama, I write it in hopes to reach even just one person that may also suffer with depression and let them know they are not alone.
It has been a year since this ugly disease entered into my life (if you are wondering what I am referring to them you will have to read older posts). A lot has changed in a year some for the better and some for the worst.  I still do not see Daric on a regular basis and it changes from one week to the next if he is talking to me or not.  I still struggle so much with the fact that another women is raising my child.  I do see a Psychiatrist and a therapist weekly.  I would love to be writing to report that I am healed and have a mended heart but that is not the case at all.  
I live my life on a day to day basis, some days I feel great, am in a good mood and love my life.  And then some days I find it hard to get out of bed in the morning.  I still do not sleep at night, most nights I cry myself to sleep.  But it is not all horrible in my life...I have a wonderful loving husband, food in my belly and a roof over my head.  I am very thankful for several things in my life.  Do I ever think my life will be back to normal..NO.  What is normal anyway?  I know I will never get the past year that I've missed of Daric's life back, my relationship with him will never be the same and the hate I have in my heart for his father may never go away.  
I know I need to face the fact that this is the way my life is going to be and get on with life but I have not reached that feeling yet.  I also know I need to learn to love myself again, which is not coming easy either.  I have felt betrayed my several people that I love in the last year and it is hard to mend a broken heart.  
In a little over a week Shannon and I will be celebrating our 2 year anniversary, which is wonderful!  He is my rock and I know if he could take away all this pain he would.  Last year we celebrated our 1 year anniversary in the Psychiatric Hospital, pretty romantic huh?  But Shannon did make the best of it and bring an Italian dinner up to me and we did get to eat together.  This year will be so much better, we have a whole day planned for our anniversary! 
So even though I know life goes on rather I want it to or not I do have hope that there will be a day where I can say "Hey look at the new me, the happy, healthy and positive me!"  But until then I will just keep going to my appointments and try to push through all the hard times and just pray everyday that it might be the day I hear from Daric.