A tongue has no bones, but it can break a heart

For as long as I can remember my Mom has always told me hate is a harsh word, and that instead to say we dislike it.  My Mom is a very smart woman.  And for any of you who have read my blog know my love for her and our relationship together.  I have never in my life actually hated someone until the past 7 months and it is the most horrible feeling to have in your heart.  Most of you already know my story and already know that the person I am talking about is my ex-husband for what he is putting me through with my son.  I don't want to hate him because he is the father of my son but right now I have such a deep hate for him in my heart right now that it is destroying other relationships for me because that hate is leaking out into my life.  I cant take the hate out on him and I know I shouldn't but I have taken it out on the ones closest to me.  I did not realize any of this at the time, I am just now realizing what I have done, after stepping back and looking back at my actions.   After my son told me he never wanted to see me again I was so mad, not at him but at his dad. I was just so mad that I first took it out on my Mom.  She was still keeping in contact with my son and seeing him on occasion and I was hurt by that, or maybe jealous, I'm not sure?  I was mad that she could see him and I couldn't.  But now I am glad he still sees her and has a relationship because at least I know that he has at least one good role model in his life right now.  I said some horrible things to my Mom, and I think I just wanted someone to hurt as bad as I did, which is awful and I accomplished that and feel horrible about it.   And at first she blamed it on the disease and then I had said so many hurtful things that she had to back away from my life, which I do not blame her at all.  Not everything I do can be blamed on the disease, I have to take responsibility for my own actions.  I feel horrible for the things I said and I have apologized but I do know that sorry doesn't take words back. "A tongue has no bones, but it can break a heart"  I have apologized and now I have to just pray everyday she will find it in her heart to accept it and I hope someday we can go back to the way we use to be.  Which I know will be hard and take time, but I burnt a BIG bridge with that one, she was my rock, she was my best friend and hero.  I'm not going to lie I am just as lost without her as I am without my son.  This hate has also affected my marriage and I will say my husband is a saint, because most men wouldn't put up with what all I have put him through.  He is an amazing, patient, caring man.  I thank God everyday for bringing him into my life.  We have started a new church together and it is helping our relationship grow and we pray for healing of our relationship and we have a long way to go but we have started the first steps.  He just deserves a metal or a pat on the back for standing by me through all this and still loving me.  So I still have not spoke to my son but I do text him everyday to tell him I love him and last night I decided to try and call him and leave a voicemail so he could hear my voice tell him I loved him.  But when I called his number It said you have been restricted by the owner to call this number.  So now I know he has not got any of my texts and that was heartbreaking but I will put my chin up and keep praying on that one too. My therapist is a very smart woman and she told me" You need your mom, You need you son, but you have your husband"  So for now I need to work on what's right in front of me and give the rest to God.  God is GREAT!   My biggest prayer is that someday very soon I can get the hate out of my heart and be able to forgive him so I can stop destroying myself and others with that hate.