Thursday, April 18, 2013

It's a long road

Monday evening was a real test of my faith and a real eye opener on how far I've came in my depression journey.  We got a call at about 8:30pm or so from Daric's dad telling us that Daric was taken from the school by ambulance to the hospital because he fainted.  So we rushed over to Shelbyville Hospital.  When we got there he was still very disoriented and confused but they got IV fluids in him and did blood tests and xrays and everything was fine.  During this time I was in the ER room the whole time and so was Bret's girlfriend.  Because Bret works out of state during the week and is only home on weekends.  So yes another women takes care of MY son during the week, which is a giant kick in the heart to me.  Also one of Bret's friend kept coming and going from the ER room to check on Daric but they wouldn't let Shannon back there (I did not know this at the time) that makes no sense to me, he is his step dad???  So during this time I had texted Bret and told him I wanted to bring Daric back home with me so I could take care of him but I never got an answer back.  Once the test all came back negative I stepped outside to call Bret.  I asked him if I could please take Daric home with me when he was discharged so I could take care of him.  He said "NO, he is going home with Ashley(his girlfriend)"  After arguing for awhile I went back in and kissed Daric goodbye and grabbed my things and we left.  I now know my limits and I know when I am close to a meltdown, so I left before I made a scene in front of my son.  We sat outside in my car until we seen him walk out and then we drove home.  My heart still aches from the fact that I can't even take care of my son when he is sick and I have to watch another women raise him.  I pray to God to give me the strength I need to get through these times.  I know Satan is lurking around every corner just waiting for us but it is very hard to ignore him when he is in the form of your ex-husband.  I want to have the courage someday to point at Bret and say out loud, so Satan can hear, and say YOU CAN'T STILL MY JOY, YOU CAN NO LONGER CONTROL ME!"  I will continue to pray for Bret and for this awful situation.  But I know I am probably going to have to deal with situations like this until the day Daric moves out on his own.  It is very hard some days to stay positive and not to step back into that deep depression.  I struggle everyday with these thoughts and with the hurt of not having my son with me.  Before I had no idea what to do because I felt like my only purpose in life was to be a Mom but lately I have been learning that there is more to me and my life than just being a Mom.  Even though I may be always smiling on the outside I still have a lot of sadness inside to overcome.  It was a long road to get to where I am today and I'm sure its going to be a long road to be completely recovered.

1 comment:

  1. Jennifer BertoldoApril 18, 2013 at 5:36 PM

    good blog post Chrissy! And yes, this does show how far you have come, and what God is doing in your life. As you said, it is Satan attacking, just waiting to see you fall. But with God at your side, you are standing strong (even though you may not feel strong). Keep asking God for protection from Satan and keep a # of your favorite scriptures in front of you ALWAYS. Memorize them and keep them in your mind. You know the miracles that God works, and you never know what big changes could lie ahead as you keep your faith in these trials. You are doing great from my perspective!