A tongue has no bones, but it can break a heart

For as long as I can remember my Mom has always told me hate is a harsh word, and that instead to say we dislike it.  My Mom is a very smart woman.  And for any of you who have read my blog know my love for her and our relationship together.  I have never in my life actually hated someone until the past 7 months and it is the most horrible feeling to have in your heart.  Most of you already know my story and already know that the person I am talking about is my ex-husband for what he is putting me through with my son.  I don't want to hate him because he is the father of my son but right now I have such a deep hate for him in my heart right now that it is destroying other relationships for me because that hate is leaking out into my life.  I cant take the hate out on him and I know I shouldn't but I have taken it out on the ones closest to me.  I did not realize any of this at the time, I am just now realizing what I have done, after stepping back and looking back at my actions.   After my son told me he never wanted to see me again I was so mad, not at him but at his dad. I was just so mad that I first took it out on my Mom.  She was still keeping in contact with my son and seeing him on occasion and I was hurt by that, or maybe jealous, I'm not sure?  I was mad that she could see him and I couldn't.  But now I am glad he still sees her and has a relationship because at least I know that he has at least one good role model in his life right now.  I said some horrible things to my Mom, and I think I just wanted someone to hurt as bad as I did, which is awful and I accomplished that and feel horrible about it.   And at first she blamed it on the disease and then I had said so many hurtful things that she had to back away from my life, which I do not blame her at all.  Not everything I do can be blamed on the disease, I have to take responsibility for my own actions.  I feel horrible for the things I said and I have apologized but I do know that sorry doesn't take words back. "A tongue has no bones, but it can break a heart"  I have apologized and now I have to just pray everyday she will find it in her heart to accept it and I hope someday we can go back to the way we use to be.  Which I know will be hard and take time, but I burnt a BIG bridge with that one, she was my rock, she was my best friend and hero.  I'm not going to lie I am just as lost without her as I am without my son.  This hate has also affected my marriage and I will say my husband is a saint, because most men wouldn't put up with what all I have put him through.  He is an amazing, patient, caring man.  I thank God everyday for bringing him into my life.  We have started a new church together and it is helping our relationship grow and we pray for healing of our relationship and we have a long way to go but we have started the first steps.  He just deserves a metal or a pat on the back for standing by me through all this and still loving me.  So I still have not spoke to my son but I do text him everyday to tell him I love him and last night I decided to try and call him and leave a voicemail so he could hear my voice tell him I loved him.  But when I called his number It said you have been restricted by the owner to call this number.  So now I know he has not got any of my texts and that was heartbreaking but I will put my chin up and keep praying on that one too. My therapist is a very smart woman and she told me" You need your mom, You need you son, but you have your husband"  So for now I need to work on what's right in front of me and give the rest to God.  God is GREAT!   My biggest prayer is that someday very soon I can get the hate out of my heart and be able to forgive him so I can stop destroying myself and others with that hate. 

Please strenthen me and help others to understand my illness

Someone said something the other day that made me really think.  She said sometimes I get jealous or mad because I look at the people that have it all together, because of what they wear and such.  That is so not true, Anytime we go in public I wear makeup, blingy jewelry and dress very nice but if you seen me at home I look on the verge of a homeless person.  So I guess my point is that just because someone looks like they have it all together and has no problems, that's no necessarily true.  Some people hid their problems from the world and some people don't.  I have just started to learn that Depression is not something to be ashamed of.  It is a disease that more people than you think suffer through.  I talk about mine at bible study, at my counselors and on my blog because it feels good to say it out loud and I'm hoping someone someday can say Chrissy, its going to be alright, Ive been where you are now and I am doing great now.  None of my family understands the disease or the pain I'm going through.  A lot of them say I should be over it by now but, having your child taken away by his father is awful and I am not over it yet.  Today is Valentines Day, and I have dreaded this holiday because I always got stuff for him and its always been a holiday we celebrate.  I am hoping someday I will feel a little bit better, but that moment isn't now.  I need help and I have been reaching out for it but now I realize the only one I need to reach out to is God.  He will listen and understand me more than anyone else could.  So I will just leave you with the scripture that I like.
My soul is weary with sorrow, strengthen me according to your word ~ Psalm 119:28

A Prayer Answered

I have been in the hospital a few more times I believe since last time I blogged.  I am still suffering very bad from depression, they keep switching my meds but I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I need to work on me more.  I need to find a way to learn to love myself, so I can love others more.  Since all of this started back in August with Daric, it has got worse.  I received several texts from him saying he is coming over to get ALL of his stuff from my house, meaning there would be nothing of his in the house anymore(this was the first heartbreaking text I got).  Next text I got was that I should win mother of the year award (NOT) and that he never ever wanted anything to do with me ever again. Then next text went something like this, I knew you weren't worth messing with Ur a jerk of a mom and I'm done and you wont go anywhere in life because all you do is think of yourself.  I have never had my own son talk to me in my life, last time I have seen him is Christmas.  These texts broke my heart and I was an absolute mess.  Now I'm not sure a 13 year old boy comes up with all these words to say by himself, but it does sound a lot like what his dad has said to me in the past.  I am sad because he feels this way and I am sad that his dad is letting him talk to people like this, especially his mother.  I hate seeing him raised to be that kind of boy and later on that kind of man.  But I realized that I have to step away from that situation for awhile, I cant make him like me and I am just destroying myself with it all.  My husband has been my biggest supporter since I got diagnosed with depression.  Lately I find myself lashing out at him and then he gets mad and we fight and say things we don't really in our hearts mean.  But it is very hard to take hurtful words back.  So I guess I have been so mad that I had no one to take that madness out on so he is who I had been picking.  I don't know if its because he loves me unconditionally and I know he will put up with me or what.  But that is not true.  And now I have really put strain on our marriage.  I have prayed all through this and things kept getting worse each day.  So then I was starting to get mad at God, because I felt he wasn't listening to my prayers.  Then I also wondered if I am praying wrong or praying for the wrong things or wrong reasons.  Shannon and I were attending church every Sunday but I was just going through the motions and wasn't feeling a thing.  So one day while I was at home alone I started crying and I prayed out loud to God and said "God I cant do this on my own anymore, I feel like I cant go on another day, so I am begging you for guidance and I am giving you all my problems and worries, I'm just giving it to you.  Please Please lead me in the right direction and help me learn to love you better and learn more from and about you"  I didn't feel anything at that time but I did feel a little relief and I was able to stop crying and go on about my day.  Then a few weeks later I got an email from a friend that I don't talk to much and she wanted to invite me to a lady's brunch on this Saturday, which of course I said yes to.  Then she invited me and Shannon to Alpha, we went last night and it was amazing.  We ate dinner, had some worship time and then a couple shared their story, which was so amazing, it really touched Shannon and my heart.  Their story was different than ours on how they got to the point where there marriage was over but we are at the point they were when they decided something has to change.  So we have decided to keep going to Alpha together, I started a woman's bible study this morning which was great!  And we are going to start going to church there.  We feel if we learn to love God then we can have a godly love for each other and maybe everything else will fall into place.  So for now we are focusing on each other and God and stepping away from all the drama and hopefully with time the other relationships can be restored.  Am I happy about stepping back and letting Daric have his way and not have me in my life NO, but all I can do is pray for him and his dad and hope for the best later on down the road.  So I guess my point is once I decided to give it all to God, I finally got a prayer answered.  Thank you God for sending Doris Schrock my way!

Living In A Fog

Each and every day is still a struggle for me.  Yes I have some good moments but there hasn't a day gone by that I haven't had some sort of meltdown of some sort.  I read other blogs or other peoples facebook status' and I wonder how they handle everything like a job, family and life in general.  Everyone around me seems so happy, why can't I be happy, what is my problem, why can't I just snap out of this depression?  I feel bad for my husband because I have became this boring wife that cries all the time.  Some days its a struggle for me to get out of bed in the morning and get through as much as I can.  Try to put the sadness out of my life and put one foot in front of the other, why is this so hard for me?  It comes in waves sometimes I feel better, almost like myself and then other times I feel so overwhelmed with sadness and hopelessness that I feel I cant move or breathe.  Some days I hate going out and seeing happy families together because it makes me so sad that I cant have that too.  Everyday feels long and exhausting sometimes.  Some days I feel so dark and depressed I cant imagine making it through all the days ahead of me.  I feel like I have gave my son up for adoption and I am watching a family raise him from afar, I know that's not what is going on but its how I feel.  I never know whats going on with him, I try to call or text and very often do I get a response.  Everyday I just have to get up and put my fake smile on and hope I figure out what God has in store for me.  Because there has to be a reason to be put through this much pain.  I pray every night that I will wake up the next day and this will have all just been a very bad dream.  But for now I just feel as though I am living in a fog, simply going through the motions of day-to-day life as if on autopilot.

New Year trying to start over

I said I wasn't going to make any New Year's resolutions, so instead I will call them goals!  I feel like I may be getting better each day, and then something else sets me back.  I'm still not able to leave Darics door open.  He has came to visit a few times and even stayed all night one night!  But I still have an emptiness in my heart.  I realize his dad has just as much right to have him live with him as I do.  But with that being said, I wasn't ready for it to just happen out of no where so fast.  I am hoping he will visit more often.  I pray everyday that our relationship will be the same some day (it will never be the same I just want to see him more). As for my depression, its still there.  There isn't a day go by that I don't have a meltdown of crying.  I try to control it but its impossible.  I hate taking the antidepressants but I know I need them but the side effects are awful.  I have gained a little over 35 pounds in the past month and a half, which is really a struggle for me, because it makes me not want to leave the house, and pretty much I don't except for Dr appointments  I weigh more than I did when I was pregnant.  So I hate getting undressed and seeing myself in the mirror before I get into the shower.  I just don't feel like myself at all.  Also the meds have caused me to have blurred vision so I have to wear my contacts and reading glasses.  I also have noticed I am very forgetful now and I'm not sure if its from the meds or not?  I have a great support team, my family!  My husband is a saint and puts up with way more than most people would.  So am I happy?  Yes and no.  I am happy I have a loving family and husband.  I am happy I have a roof over my head and I am happy we have some food to feed ourselves.  But there are so many things Im not happy about.Our medical bills are so overwhelming since I have been in the hospital 3 times in the past few months.  So we have been trying to pay what we can on our bills, which is all we can do.  Some places have been nice about it and others haven't.  They just keep piling up but I cant not go to my appointments.  So that's a very big stresser for us right now. 
I just want to be happy so I can enjoy life again.  I'm not sure what Gods plans are for me but I pray he leads me there soon.  I feel like I have no purpose and its an awful feeling.  Most days I just feel completely overwhelmed and I want to tell myself "just get a grip" It doesn't work, its just easier said than done.  I just want my old life back, I was such an upbeat bubbly person with friends and could have fun.  But now I just feel empty, I know my family loves me and my husband is special to me, I could never put into words how much he means to me. So for now I have to learn to love myself, which seems so impossible right now. I need to stop worrying about bills, which is also impossible because they just keep coming in.  I also want to learn to just be comfortable in my own skin.  I am reading Chonda Pierce's book and she had a little saying in there that makes since I guess. "Having a depressed person in the family is like having a death in the family.  At least the dead person has the decency to not be around anymore"
~David Feherty

But on a serious note this is a scripture I love.  Pity me, O Lord for I am weak.  Heal me, for my body is sick, and I am upset and disturbed.  My mind is filled with apprehension and with gloom.  Oh, restore me soon.
~Psalm 6:2-3

God, who holds time and chance in His hands, is the only one who can put you at the right place at the right time.

A year ago on July 10th (which is my birthday)  Shannon and I went to Willow Ridge Winery and then we were going to supper for my birthday.  While we were at the Winery,  Shannon got up and got on one knee and proposed to me!  It was one of the most special days of my life.  Now notice I say one, and the reason for that is because a couple sitting near us saw it all happen and they just happened to be celebrating their anniversary.  They introduced themselves to us and we have kept in touch on Facebook ever since that day.  They have touched our hearts in so many ways that I cant even explain it in words.  We have only seen them in person once(well I seen them another time when they came by to get a patio table)  But they are a couple that Shannon and I look up to, we hope our love can be as strong as theirs is for each other for the rest of our lives.  I have been through alot of hard times and Jennifer has help lift me up with her wonderful personality and her great love for God.  She is going through some rough times of her own right at the moment yet she is still so strong and is still helping others.  She is truly my hero.  I don't think it was a coincidence that we were at the same place at the same time.  I think it was Gods work.  And for that I am forever grateful.  And even though we only speak through facebook,  Jennifer and Eric Bertoldo you hold a special place in our hearts and we are so very grateful to be able to call you our friends.   So I will end this post with something I think is fitting for the subject.    God who holds time and chance in his hands,is the only one who can put you in the right place at the right time.

When life gets to hard to stand kneel

A lot has happened since I last wrote, I have been hospitilized two more times for depression.  Im on all new meds and I hope these help.  Im not sure I explained what pushed me over the edge. My 12 year old son decided he wanted to live with his dad, which he is now.  The agreement was that he stay at my house one week and his dads the next and every other weekend the same. But I have yet to see him but a few times maybe an hour or so.  My heart feels like it has a huge hole in it.  I have raised him for 12 years and now I dont even know anything about him anymore.  I try calling but usually theres no answer so i text but I dont get very much out of him (because 12 yr olds are not the easiest to talk to)  I cant stand the feeling of some other woman raising my child.  He had been my purpose in life since the day he was born.  And now I have no idea what to do with myself.  Ive always been a Mom, and yes I know im still his mom but only from a distance.  I am more depressed now than I have ever been.  I cry every day and every nite because I miss him so bad.  I would do anything to get to tuck him in at night and kiss him and say i love him.  I have no friends to do things with, but thank goodness for my Mom, she has been a saint through all of this and so has my hubby.  I feel like I need to find out who I am besides being a mom, but it is so hard.  It feels like I'm grieving a lost child and even though my child is still alive I am still grieving the loss of him in my house.  I am hoping the new meds and the counseling will help.  I just want to be the way I use to be. Also since my last hospitalization I had to quit my job because the Dr will not release me til after January 6th.  But my boss has been so understanding.  We are in a real bind because not only did we lose my income but we also lost child support and those two put together is a big chunk out of our budget. We are doing what we can to get by.  I pray to God everyday that he will lead us in the direction were suppose to go.  They say he never puts more on your plate than you can handle but I'm thinking my plate is running over.